Comrade citizens, the Pennsylvania Ministry of COVID Compliance is threatening to destroy all small businesses that do not comply with the unilateral dictate of the state.
It is worth remembering these decrees are not laws; they have not been created by state representatives; there is no representation behind them; all of the rules and regulations are unilateral decrees by the state. Governor Tom Wolfe outlines his threat:
WOLFE: Non-compliant counties won’t be eligible for federal stimulus discretionary funds. Instead, those funds will be allocated to counties working to stop the spread of #COVID19.
WOLFE: Businesses should know that opening in counties that don’t abide by the law will potentially jeopardize their business liability insurance or the protections it provides.
WOLFE: Dine-in restaurants that open in counties that have not been authorized to reopen will risk receiving a citation. These citations can ultimately lead to the loss of a restaurant’s liquor license.
WOLFE: If your county reopens prematurely and you don’t feel comfortable returning to work, rest assured that the commonwealth will allow you to continue to receive unemployment compensation, even if your employer reopens.
WOLFE: The dangers associated with #COVID19 may not be readily visible to all, but they are present. We are fighting a war that has taken the lives of too many people. And we’re winning. The politicians who are encouraging us to quit the fight are acting in a most cowardly way.
WOLFE: I intend to keep fighting [my citizens]. And, I believe that the overwhelming majority of my fellow [democrat] Pennsylvanians intend to keep fighting it too. And with that [partisan] unity, I know we can win.
Authorities empowered by the Pennsylvania Ministry will actively hunt down subversive citizens and forcibly detain them in the ongoing effort to build a new society where compliance will always provide the security you seek.
If wrong-thoughts or requests for arbitrary freedom continue to be expressed, it may become necessary for the Ministry to take enhanced enforcement action. Please do not put the Ministry in the position of having to make such decisions. Compliance is in your best interest and re-education facilities are costly to maintain.
Relax comrades, the Ministry is sensitive to your previous rights as we initiate our new, safer, society. The COVID Compliance Ministry appreciates good citizens who voluntarily participate in the rules of our new society. We will continue to reward good citizenship status with enhanced tax credits and social benefits allowing greater access to a safe COVID Compliant Society. A safer society; where the odds will always be in our favor.
A rogue citizen could put a compliant society at risk of infection. They may not just carry biologics they could carry a more alarming virus of wrong-thought against the interests of the state. Rogue citizens would be subversive to our new society.
Social Distancing or House Arrest?…. Details, comrades,… details.
The rebel alliance has noted that specifically random viral targeting appears much more prevalent in the regions where people formerly wore genitalia on their heads. There is a possibility this could be propaganda because there is not enough conclusive scientific data assembled to quantify the merit of this claim. Confirmation efforts remain ongoing.
In almost all regions of ministry control, furniture purchasing seems like one of the most potentially dangerous activities. Out of an abundance of caution these consumer hubs of activity have been shut-down; however, the Ministry is evaluating how the virus would respond if cans of vegetables were placed within the building.
According to the most extensive study conducted so far, commercial buildings with cans of vegetables appear to be the safest venue allowing congregation and proximity. It is unknown if moving canned foods and sandwiches into the furniture stores, or other less traveled venues, would transfer the benefits of virus mitigation. The Ministry has a teleconference with scientists and industry experts scheduled later this week to analyze this question.
In the interim, the Ministry would like to remind you the greatest danger is the type of purchasing you make. Large box retailers with dense populations are safe-spaces. Smaller business with less density are hazards; and houses of religious worship are death traps due to their propensity to promote the most critically dangerous activity of all, fellowship.
Because the literal health of our nations’ citizens are at risk, we must remain steadfast and resolved to keep all hospitals and patient facilities closed and at precipice of financial ruin.
Remember, we are all in this together; and to prove how critical this is to our society we must all stay apart.